To quote a line from Tamela Mann's Take Me to the King "Truth is...I'm tired"...
To some saying that you are tired can be Taboo(i.e. admitting defeat, waving the white flag, throwing in the towel and even in some sense telling God that you are not grateful for things that you have prayed for). I am by no means in a place of "giving up", but life(w/ its expectations, tasks, assignments, and responsibilities) can leave you slightly overwhelmed.
As an older Millennial (late 30's to be exacted) my daily life is a balancing act. I am Husband (to an awesome Wife) and Father(to 2 brilliant girls). I also work full time for a healthcare provider (in a telecommuter role which requires community based work and time to work from home..but I'm really working while at home). By no means am I bragging when I say this, but I'm actively involved with my Wife and Daughters(and their daily needs). If they need me for something, I am going to try and make sure that I can do it. As a leader of my household this means that I am responsible for being the financial overseer and ensuring that bills are paid(in a timely manner). Something that I did not realize (prior to becoming a father and husband) is that once you enter into these roles(that as a Man you are changed). You are changed in a way that if you don't find the balance can impact you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. How do I know....I'm still working to find this balance.
When I married my Wife (almost 10 years ago...we thank you Lord for sustaining our marriage this long) I thought I knew what to expect, but had no true idea of what to expect. I did not have the example(or blueprint) of what a husband looked like, moved like, acted like. and was supposed to be. I knew how to take care of my self and ensure that I survived. Once married things quickly moved for my Wife and I. Within 6 months of being married we were pregnant with our first Daughter and 3 months after that we were obtaining our first home. I felt accomplished(and these steps were truly accomplishments), but I did not know how to enjoy and take it all in. I was in a place of having to provide, protect, being emotionally vulnerable, be sympathetic, while being strong (and not showing fear). I did not do a good job at that. If there was a repair that needed to occur or a bill was past due(and I didn't share it w/ my Wife) my first reaction was to panic, then worry, get anxious, and fear to the point of loss in sleep. Once my older Daughter arrived this added a new level of stress that did not need to be present. On one end I was so proud to be a new Father, but on the other hand I was already thinking about cost for prom, college, wedding(and how I was going to pay for all of that).
The main thing that I was not doing was consulting God about my needs. I had been so focused on others that I had limited myself in my growth and well being. I have to give thanks to my Wife who has always encouraged me to not only invest time in others, but to turn that investment back to myself. She always pointed the focus back to God and within her prayers would ask that I find what I truly need in him. I have stated to her that I will, but then 1 year turns into 3 years, which turns into 5 years, which turns into nearly 10 in which I have not taken that advice to heart to focus on finding my balance(with God's assistance). It was easier for me to continue to put my time into her's goals(such as finishing school) or trying to be the best dad that I can be(but I have not given my Wife nor my daughters my best self). Being disobedient does not promote personal growth. I had grown tired of getting angry, short fused, being reactionary in response, and hindering my health in the process. So what do I do next?
Having this blog is a start for me. It has been several years in the making, but this is like a public journal for me and my thoughts. I am making the effort to listen while being obedient(to God and my family). I am seeking to make the continual action of spending more time with Him and His word(I owe it to God). I recognize that I am a work in progress (and fall short, but have to get back up and dust myself off). I am investing time in health(increasing my fitness goals and even looking to start running on a regular basis..yikes!). I will even look into podcasting(in the near future). I am growing and realize that I have to speak life continually over myself. I truly have to walk by faith and not by sight.
If this resonates with you or you have any thoughts, please feel free to leave a comment...I appreciate you for taking the time to read this entry.
